A couple weeks ago, I received clearance from Dr. Wechter, my surgeon, to start working out again. At first I took it slow, doing some brisk walking outside and stationary cycling in the gym. Now I’m back to running full speed and I intend to return to pilates this week. I also start physical therapy soon. My energy is up and I am excited to return to my pre-surgery activity level. My range of motion and strength are still limited, but I am feeling very close to being as “normal” as I can be with no breasts.
I sometimes forget that “normal” for me will be in quotation marks for a while. These moments come up when I try to move in a way my body used to be able to move but is now different. Although I can still execute the movement, it’s just not the same. I can feel my muscles and connective tissue work differently, and it’s a very weird experience. Dressing and undressing, grabbing a glass off the top shelf, and turning to my nightstand to turn off my alarm will never feel the same.
I also have these moments of forgetting that my body is different when I engage socially with people. For example, I had a pretty awesome night out on the town with my friends this past Friday. We visited a couple local bars, and I had great interactions with a few guys there. I felt very comfortable conversing with these men, and I was excited to be given attention again as a single woman. I felt almost back to my “normal” gregarious and flirty self. However, when I was asked for my phone number by one of the guys I was talking to, I became extremely shy. I was scared by the prospect of going out on a date with someone. Prior to my surgery, I would have jumped on such an opportunity without thinking. But here, in this moment with this very polite and engaging guy, I hesitated. I mean, when do I have the conversation with him about the fact that I don’t have breasts? My gut tells me that we should have that conversation early in order for me to manage expectations appropriately, but how early is too early? Too much disclosure early on may scare a guy off. I’m confused and for the first time in a long time, a bit uncomfortable in my own skin.
Despite all this, I gave the polite guy my phone number and we have a date this Friday to grab a drink after work. Although I am feeling uncomfortable about how to navigate in these uncharted waters, I’m glad I’ve made the effort to try. I suspect I’ll crash and burn a few times along the way, but like my physical therapy to address my range of motion and strength issues, I need some romantic therapy to get me back on the horse again and able to address these new issues I face as a single woman who has just had a bilateral mastectomy. It will be interesting to blog after my date on Friday.
You are my heroine Cat, facing everything straight in the eye, never backing down. You’re right, it’s gonna be hard getting together with someone for the first time. Perhaps you should do something to take your mind off the issues by…say, having a 3-way for your first time back? Yeah, that’d do it
Get yourself laid, you deserve it more than anyone.
XOXO
Comment by Evil — November 18, 2008 @ 2:54 pm |
Cat… are you sick of me commenting yet?! Okay, I do have one question on how everything feels different… I distinctly remember when I first had my mastectomy, I had the strangest sensation when I would drink something really cold! It was like I could feel it right under my skin – maybe because there was nothing in the way of “padding” between my skin and the trail from my esophogus to my stomach. It was bizarre… I was just wondering if it happens to anyone else or if I am just an anamoly.
Comment by Sheri — November 19, 2008 @ 8:54 pm |
Sheri — I’m definitely not sick of you commenting! You may be the anomaly regarding the cold drinks, since I have not had that experience. I’ve had tons of other strange sensations as I heal and learn to deal with a lot less flesh on my chest, but no weirdness with cold drinks.
Comment by Chopstick — November 20, 2008 @ 10:43 am |