I had my post-mastectomy follow-up with Dr. Pinder on Friday. She came into the examination room with a big smile on her face, commenting on how excited she was when she received my test results after my surgery. I responded that I, too, was extremely happy to find out that the margins were clear of cancer and that I didn’t need to have radiation therapy. She replied that not only were the margins of tissue taken from my mastectomies clear of cancer, but Karla was entirely gone. Dr. Pinder explained that only approximately 20% of people who receive chemotherapy respond that well. She was extremely excited about this news because the fact that I did so well with chemo makes it likely that my prognosis will be positive and I will remain cancer-free in the future.
I misunderstood my test results when they were given to me on the phone right after my surgery. I thought the margins of the tissue my surgeon took were clear. I had no idea that Karla was entirely gone. I’ve had a few brief moments where this news made me a bit sad, wondering if I had the bilateral mastectomy prematurely. I mean, hell, if I responded so well to chemo that Karla packed up her bags and exited my life that easy, then perhaps I didn’t need to have my undiseased left breast taken off? But when my mind goes to that space, I remind myself that I was 31 years old when I was diagnosed with a very aggressive strain of cancer. Regardless of how well I took to chemo, I know in my heart that my body is predisposed towards having breast cancer, and it will be just a matter of time before the researchers confirm that my genetic mutation is, in fact, deleterious. I will take the blessing of a positive prognosis for what it’s worth and not question my earlier decisions about treatment.
Part of what makes this news a bit hard to swallow is that all my girlfriends are having babies. Within a total of eleven months, ten babies will have been born to my group of friends. There has been a lot of talk about babies and breastfeeding, and it’s been a bit sobering now that my surgery is complete to look at my chest and realize that I will not be able to breastfeed any children I have. It’s one aspect of my surgery that bothers me once in a while. I know that any children I have will be okay, breastfed or not, but I do worry about my children’s immunity to disease, my ability to bond with them, and the whole slew of things we may miss out on because I am unable to breastfeed. I know I need to get over it, but the wounds from my surgery are still fresh (figuratively, that is). It will take some time to really process the changes to my body.
And there has been no other area of my life that highlights the changes to my body as much as getting back into the “singles scene.” I had my first date in a very long time on Friday evening, and although it went well, I just don’t know if I’m ready to start dating again. I feel extremely tentative about my body, and I’m worried that my fear will continue to hold me back in social situations. I’m not sure I want to continue to date this particular guy, but what I do know is that I will need to discuss these issues further in therapy. Thank God for therapy.
Cat,
The fact that the cancer was entirely GONE is awesome news!!! Sometimes it is hard to look back on your choices and wonder if they were the right ones. I have done the same – especially when I found I was pregnant with my second daughter and realized at that very same moment that I would never be able to breastfeed her. Initially I was devastated and went through all the same emotions as you are going through… maybe I was hasty, maybe I would have been fine atleast leaving the unaffected breast there for a couple of more years… maybe, maybe… could I have? should I have?… and the list goes on. Then I finally had to just let it go… what is done is done. I think my oncologist and OB/gyn both said it best when they reminded me that it is most important that I am alive, for without that breast feeding is really a mute point isn’t it? Don’t worry Cat, I had one that I got to breast feed for 3 months before I was diagnosed and then the second one I did not. I can tell you right here and now that I feel equally bonded to both. And if you are concerned about your child’s immunity to disease and the benefits to breast feeding, if you have a friend or relative that you know and trust (and know that they are free/clear of any crazy disease) you can always have them pump and store their breast milk for your child. Of course, this is if you don’t think that is too bizarre (some people do). I initially thought it was, but I had two good friends that did it for my daughter so atleast she got some breast milk right after birth. You know that fact is that many of us that were born in the 60’s and 70’s were only given formula anyway because of the misconception at the time that it was “healthier”… and most of us are all okay. Its easy to be hard on yourself. Know that at the time you made the best choice for your health and your future given the circumstances that you were given. Try not to look back – I have had to fight that too… but I feel a hell of a lot better when I let it go.
GREAT JOB KICKING KARLA’S ASS!
Comment by Sheri — November 26, 2008 @ 12:40 am |