Back from My Hiatus

Please accept my many apologies for being MIA for so long.  My new contract job has been keeping me busy and I recently returned from a trip to San Francisco to visit my friends there and work remotely.  It was a very pleasant and action-packed trip that did not allow much time for blogging.  But enough excuses.  Onto relevant updates.

While I was in SF, I received a call from my gynecologist’s office with the results from additional blood tests they did to evaluate my hormone levels.  My gynecologist, Dr. Rothblatt, had these additional tests done for additional information to analyze my right ovary anomalies.  The good and bad news is that my reproductive system appears to be back online — I’m producing enough estrogen to take me out of the menopause arena.  Obviously this is good news because my body is getting back to “normal.”  I suspect that this also means that it is likely that the masses on my right ovary are just cysts and not cancerous.  However, given that Karla is estrogen-positive, this also presents some issues with my recurrent cancer fears.  As you may recall, I’m on a 5-year course of Tamoxifen to address the estrogen issue.  This regimen has proven successful in preventing recurrent cancer in many women who have successfully battled breast cancer.  In my last appointment with my oncologist, Dr. Pinder, she said she was confident that my prognosis was positive, and that I would significantly increase my chances of a clean bill of health in the future if I stuck with the Tamoxifen.

As for my right ovary issues, I go in for a second intra-vaginal ultrasound tomorrow.  Dr. Rothblatt wants to check out the two masses growing on the ovary between days 6-8 of my menstrual cycle (yes — that means I’ve successfully menstruated again!).  Hopefully the information he gets from the ultrasound will not make him more suspicious of what the masses are.  Dr. Rothblatt told me the last time we met that if the masses don’t resolve or if they get bigger, he intends to go in laparoscopically to evaluate the situation and may have to take my right ovary.  Keep your fingers crossed.  I would like to hang onto my right ovary for a bit longer.

On a lighter and brighter note, today I met with my plastic surgeon, Dr. Paige, for my pre-operative appointment.  I am scheduled to have my tissue expanders switched out for silicone gel implants on May 18th.  Whoo hoo!  Dr. Paige will go in through the same mastectomy scars he used to insert my tissue expanders to put in the implants.  Then I hang with the implants for 3-6 months before he starts nipple reconstruction. 

Dr. Paige asked me what size I wanted my final implants to be.  I was confused by his question because I had assumed that we had already decided I would be a “B” cup by the end of the process.  But after examining me today, he explained that we have a bit of wiggle room given how well my body has adjusted to the tissue expanders.  When I started this process, I was adamant that I should be no larger than a “B” cup, given my frame and the fact that I run 3-4 times a week.  However, since I’ve been running around (quite literally) with what appears to be “C” cup breasts with no problems, I’ve kinda become attached to them.  I know I earlier blogged about how ridiculous and Pam Anderson-looking my boobs looked after the last fill-up of the tissue expanders and how I was afraid of looking fat with huge breasts, but as someone who has always been small-breasted, I’m quite taken with how easily I’ve adjusted to much larger boobs.  And I’ll be honest, I am enjoying the extra attention!  A few weekends ago my friends threw a Middle Eastern-themed party and I decided to get a much less-conservative outfit than I would have otherwise purchased.  At the time I thought that I would drop a full cup size after my May 18th surgery, so I decided to rock out my boobs while I had them.  Why can’t I have a bit of fun, right?  Now that it appears I have the option to have my final boobs be a bit larger than I what I had originally decided on, I think I’m going to go for the gold.  Nothing circus freakish — slightly smaller than what I’m at now.  And interestingly enough, Dr. Paige told me that going a bit larger than a “B” cup will make my reconstructed breasts look more natural, given how the expanders are settling.  More natural?  Why not?

I view my reconstructed breasts as a trophy for winning my battle over breast cancer.  Though I am very cognizant of my recurrent cancer risks, I do feel like I have prevailed and I want to celebrate my present winning status.  They aren’t real breasts, I will never be able to breastfeed my children from them, but they are mine and I want to be happy with my body.  I just want all the surgeries to be over.   The thought of being on another lifting and exercise restriction for 4-6 weeks makes me ill.  But I must suck up whatever it takes to complete this process successfully.

My oh my, I’ve been away for so long, what shall I leave you with for today’s soundtrack?  Something chill but upbeat, how I’m feeling right now with all the crap that’s happened recently.  Enjoy: http://www.imeem.com/people/YADRwe1/music/8ZSwvRH3/the-bpa-electric-love/.

Getting Back in The Saddle Is Hard to Do

Allegedly, once you learn how to ride a bike, you never forget how.  I would have liked to think the same applies to the ways of romance and dating, but cancer changes the landscape so significantly that original constructs no longer apply.  So in the case of dating post-cancer, you do have to relearn everything.

On Saturday, I went out on my first date since I was diagnosed.  Now that I think about it, this was my first date in many years.  My date is significantly younger than I am (25 to be exact, and I’m 32), but absolutely gorgeous and very sweet.  He took me to a jazz club called Tula’s here in Seattle, and we were graced by the amazing sounds of the Greta Matassa Quartet.  Greta Matassa is a local jazz singer with an amazing set of pipes on her, and her pianist, bassist, and percussionist are very talented too.  I had a great time, listening to Greta belt out old standards like “Someone to Watch Over Me,” “How High the Moon,” and “Angel Eyes.”  It was a very romantic evening.

My date was gracious and sweet throughout the whole evening, and doted on me the whole time.  That’s what’s great about 25-year-olds — they still have the mindset of wanting to “impress” dates.  However, at the end of the evening, we talked about my journey this past year and I shared with him my revelations about my physical limitations post-cancer.  Although my date appeared very supportive and understanding, I have not yet heard back from him and I am fearful that the baggage I come with is too much for him to handle.  Perhaps this bee has moved onto the next flower that can engage in “what birds and bees do” easier than I can.  I can’t be too disappointed if this is, in fact, the case.  He is 25 after all, right?

As I’ve blogged in the past, I can no longer date casually the way I was able to before Karla came into my world.  My experience with this foray into the world of dating has just confirmed that.  I have a lot more to lose in this process and am exponentially more vulnerable now than I have ever been in the past.  I need to build a lot of trust with someone before I expose myself in the ways that I am vulnerable, and that is just not my MO.  I always wear my heart on my sleeve, and I have always been able to troubleshoot difficulties that may arise from that approach.  But now, in the aftermath of my date with my 25-year-old hottie, I realize that I may need to hold my cards much closer to the table than I originally thought necessary.  I am hopeful that my date proves me wrong, but I’m not counting on it.  As this youngin’ has a lot to learn about life, I too have a lot to learn about my new life post-Karla.

Appropriately, I leave you with this for today’s soundtrack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIng1Ho2OYw

Yep, I Just Puked . . . Several Times

Please forgive the delayed post.  As you all know, the last few weeks have been just crazy, and I’ve been busy getting my bearings down.  I swear, I can’t wait for this roller coaster to stop.  Thankfully, the last week has been very uplifting and reaffirming.  The most important news is that I menstruated last week!  I didn’t say anything to anyone for two days, fearful that I was just spotting and the whole experience was an anomaly.  But then Aunt Flo hit me with full force, and I was reminded of what it is like to have a period.  It’s been about a year and two months since I’ve menstruated.  I’m usually a “bleeder,” and this period was no exception. 

I can’t fully explain the gravity of having started my period again.  Not only is my reproductive system back online, but my ovarian cancer woes have been postponed.  I say “postponed” because I met with my gynecologist , Dr. Rothblatt, yesterday and he explained that although it is great news that I’ve menstruated, unless the two masses on my right ovary (yes — he clarified that I have not one, but two masses on my right ovary) resolve or get better, he must remain suspicious of what the masses are.  The plan right now is to have another intravaginal ultrasound at the end of this month to track the masses.  If they remain the same size or get bigger, Dr. Rothblatt suggests that he go in laparoscopically to check them out.  If things look suspicious, he recommends taking my right ovary.  I asked him why he can’t just remove the masses from the ovary, and he explained that if the masses are malignant cancer, trying to remove them from the ovary puts me at risk of spreading the cancer if the masses burst in the process of removal.  In such a scenario, what was a contained Stage I cancer could then become a spread Stage II or III cancer.  For that reason, the safest procedure is to have the whole ovary removed and do washes around the ovary to check for other cancerous cells in the area.

I’m not thrilled at the prospect of still having to have my right ovary taken.  In healthy women who have not gone through chemo, if they have one ovary removed, the other ovary takes on the extra work with no problem, kicking out an egg every month instead of every other month.  However, my body has gone through so much over the last year, there’s no guarantee that my left ovary will pick up the slack if my right ovary is taken.  Perhaps my right ovary is the only one that will come back online.  Removing it means potentially losing the ability to have kids of my own without using those seven eggs I had harvested before I started chemo.  I know I should be grateful I have those seven eggs, but I really want to have my body back to normal.  And having my reproductive system back online and in full working order, to me,  is part of being “normal.”

The other amazing news I have to report is that I have been hired as a contract attorney by a well-repsected construction defect litigation firm here in Seattle.  The work is very similar to the work I was doing at my old firm, my new firm knows about all my health woes and other issues, and I get to work from home.  My new firm has enough work to keep me busy for at least the next few months, and if they land a big client they expect to land soon, they will have enough work to keep me busy for a while.  The partners are super nice and very understanding of everything going on with me.  I am very grateful.

My old firm, however, continues to give me grief.  I still have not received COBRA information, and my health insurance is effectively stopped until I am able to elect COBRA.  As someone who is currently treating for ovarian cancer issues and is in the middle of a breast reconstruction, it is devastating to me to have my health insurance stop.  I pray that I receive COBRA information soon (the HR person at my old firm continues to assure me the paperwork is forthcoming).  My old firm has also withheld my severance because I did not complete my time entries for part of March.  In busy months, I ususally complete my time entries right before billing goes out, which is at the end of the month.  However, my firm let me go in a way where I was unable to complete my time entries.  So now I must go back to my old firm on Monday to complete my time entries in order to receive my severance.  Although my severance may be peanuts to my old firm, that money will allow me to survive another day.

So yeah, I feel like I’ve definitely puked several times on this roller coaster.  Thankfully, the ride is much more pleasant now than it was a couple weeks ago.  It will be very interesting to see where this ride takes me next.

I leave you with a very fitting song for today’s soundtrack that happens to be one of my Dad’s favorite songs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXRq4L4BcbQ.