Feeling Comfortable in My “New” Skin

I mentioned when my tissue expanders were switched out for the actual implants in May that I was having issues getting used to the sensation of the implants moving around in my chest wall.  Unlike the tissue expanders, which didn’t move at all, my silicone implants move like real breasts, which means that when I’m laying on my back, they fall towards my armpits.  It’s been several months since my implants were put in, and I’m still having moments where I worry if the sensation I’m feeling in my chest is normal.

I had a massage the other day and worried every time the therapist pushed down on my upper and mid back while I was lying on my chest.  I know it sounds stupid, but I kept having these visions of my implants exploding after the massage therapist applied strong pressure.  As you can imagine, it made it hard to enjoy the massage in those moments.

The other day I woke up after sleeping on my left side and felt a bit of a pinching/tingling sensation in my left breast when I sat up on my bed.  I was afraid something was wrong and grabbed my phone to call Dr. Paige, but then the sensation quickly went away after I started moving around.  I suspect it was just a circulation issue, but it still freaked me out. 

Another weird occurrence that I’ve mentioned earlier and that I am convinced is a problem is my cleavage sweat.  I’m sorry to be gross, but it really has become an issue that I’m fixated on.  I feel like I sweat way more than any normal person should sweat in the cleavage area.  During the week when Seattle experienced 100+ degree weather, sweat was just running down my cleavage.  And the other day that I walked to a law office not too far from my condo for a deposition, I noticed that I had enough sweat accumulate in my cleavage area that it stained my shirt.  My girlfriends with large boobs tell me that this is normal and it’s something I need to get used to, but it’s stating to irk the shit out of me.  It’s so bad that I’m contemplating trying acupuncture to address the sweating.

The next time I meet with Dr. Paige I’ll be able to ask him about all of these weird sensations in my chest wall and sweating issues and hopefully he’ll put my fears to rest.  I’m pretty sure I just have to get used to the feeling of implants in my chest with much less skin and tissue than I had before.  It’s only been a few months.  I really need to allow myself more time to settle into and feel comfortable in my “new” skin.  That said, I can’t wait for the day when my “new” skin becomes just my skin, and I don’t think about the fact that I have implants in my chest.    But for now, I need to control my “exploding implant” fears and perhaps stash a handkerchief in my cleavage to control the sweat issue.

Being in a nostalgic mood lately, I’ve been listening to some of my CDs from college.  I found one that my freshman roommate bought me for Christmas that year — Harry Connick, Jr.’s Blue Light, Red Light.  Every song on this CD is amazing, but I leave you with this as today’s soundtrack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCtaEGWA93U.

Floating Woman and a Wedding in the Woods

I am SO sorry for being MIA for so long.  I’ve been out of town the last two weekends, and I worked my ass off the two weeks before then to get ahead on my hours for the month.  I finally have a moment to breathe and not feel like a headless chicken.

Two weekends ago, I went out to Lake Kachess for this year’s Floating Woman camping trip.  A bunch of my friends from San Francisco came up that weekend, making this trip extra special.  With the exception of a crazy thunderstorm midday on Saturday, the weather couldn’t have been more accommodating.  Highs were in the 90s and the lake temperature was just cool enough to be pleasant to swim in all day. 

In the many years the Benedetti family has organized Floating Woman, I have never entered the boat race.  But this year, Winda Benedetti asked me if I would paddle a large, ridiculous inflatable island with her as our boat submission, and I agreed.  However, Winda ended up ditching me right before the race to paddle a humungo inflatable “rubber” duckie instead.  Yes, you read that right.  Just ridiculous.  So I recruited two of my other girlfriends to assist me with the large inflatable island.  Claudia paddled opposite of me on the island and Jessica served as our “motor” by pushing the island from behind with fins.  Long story short, Claudia, Jessica, and I smoked the competition during the race.  It was hilarious paddling that huge inflatable island.   It was so big that we accidentally ran over a dog swimming in the water with all the other boats.

Floating Woman is a temporal marker for me.  This time last year I watched a bunch of my close friends shave their heads to support me while I was going through chemo.  It’s crazy to think how different things were a year ago.   While catching up with old friends and family, I realized that Lake Kachess has a healing effect on me.  My physical health may be much better now than it was last year, but being at Lake Kachess this year really rejuvenated my mind and spirit.  It’s nice to be reminded of the meaning of ”whole” health.

The other revelation I came to that weekend was how self-conscious I am about my scars.  Realizing that all of my swimsuits had “triangle” tops that exposed a lot of my mastectomy scars, I bought a new swimsuit for Floating Woman that had a bandeau top that covered all of my scars.  Those of you who know me well know that I have no problems showing my scars to anyone interested, so to be self-conscious regarding what my swimsuit top revealed was very weird experience.

The following weekend my friends Erin and Azur were married at a beautiful location in Leavenworth, WA.  I was one of Erin’s bridesmaids, so I went up early to help with setup.   Seattle experienced record-breaking temperatures the week leading up to the wedding and the wedding weekend itself.  It was a 105 degrees in Seattle the day I left for Leavenworth.  Usually Leavenworth is much hotter than Seattle, but I was very pleasantly surprised to find out that the cabins where we were staying were air conditioned.  Boy did we luck out.

The wedding festivities and the wedding itself were absolutely fun and amazing.  I felt blessed to be a part of the wedding and to be able to celebrate two fantastic and beautiful people.  Watching Erin and Azur get married, I looked over at all the other bridesmaids, all of whom are married, and I realized what amazing partnerships they have too.  Weddings highlight unions, and as the the only single bridesmaid, I had a few moments longing for a partner in crime.  I feel like I’ve been “on hold” this whole time, unable to really dive into the dating scene again because I’m waiting for my body to look “normal” again.  I am soooooo ready for the next step in this process and being closer to being whole again.  For the first time since my reconstruction began, I am feeling impatient and frustrated.  Not because I don’t have a boyfriend, but because I hate this state of being in limbo with my body.  I am very ready to move on with my life, but can’t do that until my reconstruction is done.

The countdown continues.  Last I spoke with Dr. Paige, we can start nipple reconstruction in September.  I may just call his office on Monday to see if we can schedule the first of the procedures now.

On that note, I leave you with this for today’s soundtrack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZkllM8znx4.