Ready to Nip It Out

I met with Dr. Paige today to schedule my nipple and areola reconstruction.  September 18th marked the 4-month anniversary of my implants being put in, so I am officially ready to start nipple reconstruction.  After examining me, Dr. Paige noted that my breasts have settled nicely.  I complained a bit about how the scar on my left breast is much worse than my right breast, and Dr. Paige reminded me that the process rarely results in perfectly symmetric breasts and that real breasts are also never symmetric.  I lost perspective for a moment in Dr. Paige’s office.  I have to be grateful for what I have — a year ago this time Karla was still lurking in my right breast tissue.  Now I have some pretty amazing cancer-free boobies and will soon have nipples and areolas to match.  I really can’t complain.

It’s weird to get back on the reconstruction path after 4 months of no doctors appointments, surgeries, or other procedures.  It’s been so long since I’ve been at Virginia Mason that I totally forgot to check in on the main floor before going up to the office (a routine I did for many months during treatment and the first part of my reconstruction).  As I mentioned in my last post, it’s really scary how easy it has been for me to return to my normal routine.

Dr. Paige tells me that after he makes the incisions to pull up the skin into nipples, it will be two weeks before the stitches come out.  I’ll have to wear cup-like things over the nipple areas to protect the new incisions.  Dr. Paige warned that he doesn’t have a ton of skin to work with, so my reconstructed nipples will likely look more like small nubs than super-erect pencil erasers.  He also warned that sometimes the incisions don’t heal right and the nipple may need to be redone.  I told Dr. Paige that I’m okay with whatever he is able to do.  I just want the process to start as soon as possible.  I’m presently scheduled to have my nipples done on November 18th, but Dr. Paige’s scheduler is trying to get me in sooner.  I really do hope she is successful.  Like I said, I just want this process done as soon as possible.

When I first met with Dr. Paige months before my mastectomies, he told me the breast reconstruction process would take about a year to a year-and-a-half.  He wasn’t kidding.  After the nipple procedure is done, he wants to wait a couple months before tattooing on the areolas to make sure I’m fully healed and to allow him time to see how the nipples settle on my reconstructed breasts.  That means if I am able to start the nipple procedure soon, the earliest I’ll be done with the whole process will be right before the holidays.  I really don’t want to wait that long, but I realize that I’ve been patient this whole time and a couple more months is not going to kill me.  I just feel like I’ve been in this constant state of limbo since starting treatment to deal with Karla and then starting the reconstruction process.  Although I’ve easily transitioned into a semi-normal routine, I really haven’t been able to move on with my life completely and do all the things I’d like to do because I’ve been waiting for this process to conclude.  I see the finish line.  It’s so fracking close, I can taste it.

Today’s soundtrack comes from an artist I love and who is playing Neumos in Seattle tomorrow night.  I think the lyrics are pretty fitting for me right now:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niKT-kJfUz4.

Being Wary of Getting Back to “Normal”

I know I’m almost back to “normal” when life is too busy to blog.  Please forgive the long hiatus AGAIN.  After my friends’ wedding in the woods, work ramped up significantly, and then I left for a week-and-a-half long vacation.  I got back a couple weeks ago, but it’s taking me a while to get back to a normal routine.

I am having a huge revelation right now — my life prior to Karla was so fast-paced that I didn’t have much time to sit back and reflect on anything.  As soon as I was done with one project I was already late on the next one, so I had a hard time enjoying life in the moment, and I never had the luxury of time to take stock of the path that I was on to insure it was the right one for me.  I feel myself slipping back into that pattern, and my absence from my blog is a testament to that troubling observation. 

I cannot describe in words how useful and important this blog has been to me — to be able to really process what is going on with me and around me and to be able to share my experiences with an audience, some of whom are going through the same crap I am.  The feedback I have received has been priceless and has really helped me along on this path.  My blog forces me to stop, look around, listen, ask questions, put my thoughts on paper, and evaluate as I live my life.  I haven’t done that in a while, and it feels good to be back.

What’s funny is that not too much has been going on in my world recently.  As an example, my therapist asked me today whether I wanted to continue treating with her, now that I’m no longer in “crisis mode” with Karla and I appear to be settling into my post-cancer life quite well.  Her question totally caught me off guard.  I can’t imagine not meeting with her regularly, but she’s right — now that Karla is not the focus of my life, what is?  I still have my nipple reconstruction to complete, my ovaries to consider taking out, and my endometriosis and fibroids to deal with; but I’m not nearly as stressed about my health or body image as much as I was when I started treating.  I’m actually pretty excited to see what topics I end up discussing with my therapist in the next few months as the dust settles from my final breast reconstruction procedures.

So about my nipple reconstruction, tomorrow marks four months after my tissue expanders were exchanged for my implants.  According to my last conversation with Dr. Paige, I should be able to start the nipple reconstruction procedure anytime after tomorrow, assuming my implants have settled adequately and no additional tweaking needs to occur.  I plan to call Dr. Paige tomorrow to get the full skinny from him on the schedule.  As you all know, I can’t wait for this process to be done.

Dirty Dancing was the first movie I saw in the theater without a chaperone, and that movie left me gaga for Mr. Swayze.  So as an homage to my first leading man crush, I leave you with this for today’s soundtrack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfg97-5uhFQ&feature=related.