I’ve personally avoided engaging in the health care debate too much because it is overwhelming to process.  If anyone should be well-informed about the debate, it’s me, but I am still in survival mode –  perhaps more accurately “get-through-my reconstruction-in-one-piece mode.”  And I don’t have the mental or emotional bandwith to take on the health care debate with any level of academic rigor.  But as I plan my future treatment to ensure Karla doesn’t return and my reconstructed breasts are well cared for, I realize that I do not know the true implications for my future treatment when my COBRA coverage ends and I am forced to get on another health care plan.

On November 1st, my old firm switched health care plans from UnitedHealthcare to Group Health.  That means that if I wanted to continue with COBRA benefits, I would need to switch plans with the firm.  The problem is, continuing treatment with my providers through the Group Health plan (and being covered the same way UnitedHealthcare covered me ) would be extremely difficult, if not impossible.  Thankfully, I was able to get insurance that will allow me to continue treating with my doctors with less hassle than through Group Health.  However, it will be interesting to see how my new insurance bills for my continued treatment.  I’ll find out soon enough whether my new insurance will deny coverage for my treatment because it’s for a “pre-existing condition.”  I believe Washington state has laws that prevent insurance companies from denying coverage when the patient has had continuous coverage, but I’m unsure what the story is in California.  I think it’s time I call the Insurance Commissioner down there to get the skinny.  Wow.  Add that to my humungo “To Do List” of things I must complete for my upcoming move. 

Shit, I have so much crap to do between now and my planned move date (I hope to be on the road the day after Thanksgiving).  I’m dealing with the stress by procrastinating, which is easy to do when I return home from work totally mentally exhausted.  I shared with my therapist last week that I don’t think I’ve had the ability to process what’s going on because everything is happening so fast.  I fear that my failure to digest and process will continue up until it’s time for me to go and by then it will be too late — I will be in the Bay Area dealing with a whole slew of new crap to deal with.  And by then, my therapist won’t be available to help me sort through the crap.

On a lighter note, my nipples are healing quite nicely and should be totally healed up with all stitches dissolved by next week.  I had a chance to “test drive” my nips this past Halloween, where I dressed up as a “Gold Digger.”  I wore a tight gold lame strapless dress that was tight around the chest area.  I haven’t had nipples for so long, I didn’t think about the implications of wearing a tight dress around my boobs.  But when I went to a very large party that night with a bunch of friends and kept getting a lot of male attention that night — much more than normal — I realized that being in constant “nipping out mode” will attract attention.  And honestly, it’s not always welcomed attention.

For today’s soundtrack, please bear with the obvious (and kinda cheesy) selection: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DR2DPrcFXeM.

You know you’ve been blogging a while when you recycle an earlier blog title.  The last time I used this title, I had just found out I did not have the CA 125 marker for ovarian cancer but had also been let go by my old firm.  That was mid-March of this year.  Again, it’s crazy how fast time is going by.

The reason for the title this time is the fact that not only do I have new nipples installed, but I’m also moving to the Bay Area.  After several months of applying for jobs in the Bay Area, I landed a gig with a disability rights firm in Oakland.  The timing is so crazy since I recently accepted a position with my current firm that I adore.  This job came out of the blue — a job I had applied for before accepting the position with my current firm.  It is all very fitting, given my journey with Karla for the last couple years.  I’m switching sides (as you may recall, I do defense work right now), jurisdiction (although I passed the California Bar in 2002, I’ve never practiced in this California), and practice area (construction defect vs. civil rights) – not to mention moving to a whole new city!  Holy fucking crap.  I’m finally fulfilling my dream of moving to the Bay Area.  I’m not sure if I will live in Oakland or San Francisco, but I have enough friends in both to couch surf while I decide the best living situation for me. 

I have a whole life in Seattle I need to pack up and fit into a U-Haul that will ship my ass to the Bay Area, and although I am sad to leave my family here in Seattle who has taken such good care of me during my battle with Karla, I am ready for the next step.  If Karla taught me anything, it’s to stop talking and start doing, and right now, “doing” means moving to the Bay Area and working for an amazing civil rights firm.

The other big event is that I’m having my uterine fibroids taken out on Tuesday.  Complications with my health insurance have made it imperative that I have any major procedures/surgeries before November 1st, and I’ve had this surgery planned for a while.  Yesterday I had an intravaginal ultrasound yesterday to track my fibroids, which I’ve described in prior blog posts as the most fucked up experience I’ve ever had in a hospital.  Here’s a dildo that I will maneuver around inside of you for the next 45 minutes.  Would you like to insert it yourself or would you like me to do it for you?

I go in this Friday for a pre-op appointment with Dr. Rothblatt, my gynecologist and fibroid surgeon.  If the only benefit to this surgery is the fact that my periods will be lighter (i.e. less of a murder scene in the bathroom), I may opt out of the surgery, but if removing my fibroids will increase my chances of conceiving a child in the future, I’m on board 100%.

Given my recent news of moving, I am feeling my close friends in Seattle start to pull away from me and my friends in the Bay Area fight over where I will live.  I recognize that the Bay Area will not be the panacea to all my woes here in Seattle — I will still struggle with the fears of recurrent cancer, I will still struggle to find an appropriate mate, and I will still deal with financial difficulties galore (even with my new job).  I just hope I will find a space that is my own to carve out and to own as mine and mine alone.  I’m excited for the new path on which I’m traveling.  I hope it will be healthy, happy, and fulfilling (in mind, soul, and body).

I’m being swept up in a sea of change that I can’t control right now and it’s so exciting and scary all at the same time.  I’m not sure how this will all end, but what I do know is that every bit of it sounds right.  I’ve been looking for appropriate cliffs to dive off of for a while, and I think I found the appropriate ones from which I’ll soar.

That all said, I leave you with an amazing soundtrack from Shawn Lee & Clutchy Hopkins.  These peeps grooved my soul today and deserve some props: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytcKXCJrx8A.  If this link no longer works, the track is called “Ancient Chinese Secret.”  Given my part-Chinese ancestry and the bumpy-get-me-in-a-good-mood-feel this track has — it’s appropriate.

I have new nipples.  I can’t believe it, I better type it again – I have new nipples!  And how fitting that I got them almost one year after my mastectomies.  My how time flies.

I went in on Wednesday for the “in office procedure” to have my nipples installed by Dr. Paige, and little did I know how involved this procedure would be.  My girlfriend, Kiko, picked me up very early to take me down to Federal Way (about 30 minutes south of Seattle) for my 7:30 check-in time.  Immediately upon my arrival, I went through full surgery prep with the nurses, stripping down to my underwear and socks and putting on a hospital gown.  Dr. Paige came in to greet me and mark where my new nipples were to be installed.  He then escorted me to a mirror and asked me if I agreed with the marks.  It’s been so long since I’ve had nipples, I had a hard time envisioning nipples where these two sharpie pen marks were on my chest.  I exited the bathroom and told Dr. Paige that the marks “looked fine.”  Inside I prayed that he really did mark them in appropriate locations. 

I was transported to an operating room where the nurses situated me on the operating table and strapped my arms down (at my request so that I’d keep my arms in place).  As I lay on the operating table, I noted how cold the room was and realized that I would have to withstand the whole hour-long procedure with my bare chest exposed to the cold.  I was thankful that they didn’t hook me up to a heart monitor, as I could feel my anxiety level rise. 

Dr. Paige entered the room and explained that he was going to give me the local anesthetic to numb the area.  As he started injecting Lidocaine into the area of my left breast where the nipple was to be installed, my gut twitched with every other stab of the needle.  I realized that I could feel a lot of what was going on in that area.  Dr. Paige noticed that I was in discomfort and apologized.  I looked at him and said that I was very grateful to feel some of the needle work, as it is a sign that some my nerve endings are rejuvenating.   Dr. Paige smiled and commended me on my positive outlook. 

As he injected a bunch more Lidocaine in my right breast, I realized that I have been in this exact situation before.  You may recall that before my mastectomies the radiologist performed a lymphoscintigraphy to identify the sentinel lymph node (the first node to receive lymph from a tumor) in each breast.  This procedure involved him injecting a bunch of Lidocaine in each nipple before injecting dye that would ultimately drain into the sentinel lymph node of each breast, allowing him to identify the nodes for my breast surgeon to remove for biopsy.  I cried on the radiologist’s examination table while he injected me with the Lidocaine in each nipple.  The procedure was fucking painful.  I sobbed, knowing that this would be the last sensation I would remember of my nipples.  By the end of that day, I no longer had breasts or nipples.  So as I lay on Dr. Paige’s operating table this past Wednesday, I realized how fitting this whole procedure was — this is the way I lost my nipples, and this was going to be the way I got them back.

After Dr. Paige completed injecting all the Lidocaine, he left to give the Lidocaine some time to take effect and to allow the nurses to prep my chest for surgery.  The nurses sanitized my chest area, put rolled up towels around my chest area, and then put up a blue sheet to block my face.  I suspect this blue sheet had two goals: (1) prevent me from breathing on and contaminating the surgery area; and (2) prevent me from passing out or otherwise freaking out by being able to see what Dr. Paige was doing.

Dr. Paige returned to the room within 10-15 minutes, checked the areas to make sure they were numb, and then proceeded to make the incision that would serve as the basis for my nipple on my left breast.  It was surreal to lay there and feel him poke, prod, and tug on me without feeling any pain.  I experienced a lot of cognitive dissonance in that moment — Dr. Paige was cutting, pulling, and stitching in an area that has always been a very sensitive area for me.  Although I have not had nipples or very much sensation in that area for almost one year to the day, not being able to see what was going on or feel any actual pain was making me anxious.  I felt like I should have been feeling pain, and with each stitch that Dr. Paige made (I could make out some of his movements based on sensation I felt in other areas of my chest), I was deathly afraid that I would feel the needle go in.

One of the nurses sensed my anxiety and started talking to me to distract me from what Dr. Paige was doing.  I was grateful for the distraction.  By the time Dr. Paige was done with my right nipple, he had spent less than 45 minutes doing the whole procedure.  The nurses cleaned up my chest area, put on these dome protectors for my nipples that look like Slurpee cup tops, and brought me to the recovery area. 

Dr. Paige warned me that the nipples would look huge right after the procedure, but they would soon heal down to nubs that would be more reasonable in size.  When the nurses brought down the blue sheet covering my face, I saw what he was talking about.  They have a bunch of stitches in them and they look Frankensteinish, but I can totally see how these will heal into attractive nipples.  I pray that I don’t experience any complications.

The nurse in the recovery area helped me get dressed, went over my post-op instructions, and immediately released me.  My girlfriend Eza picked me up, we had brunch, and then she took me to work, where I proceeded to work a full work day.  Dr. Paige prescribed some pain killers for me, but I haven’t picked up the prescription and I don’t think I will, because I don’t need them.  As long as I don’t stretch my chest area, I’m not in any pain. 

I have one more step in this process – areola tattooing.  Dr. Paige tells me that he wants to wait a couple months to allow me to fully heal from the nipple installation before starting the tattooing.  I can’t wait.

For today’s soundtrack, I heard this on one of my favorite online radio stations, KCRW.com, and immediately got into a great mood.  The title of the song became my battle cry after my new nipples were installed:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVzvRsl4rEM.

I’ve just returned from a total of 15 days in the Bay Area, attending a wonderful bachelorette party, a housewarming, and a wedding.  That’s why I’ve been offline for a bit, and also why I’m overwhelmed that my nipple reconstruction surgery is scheduled for tomorrow morning.  When I first tried to calendar this procedure with Dr. Paige’s scheduler, Laura, she told me that Dr. Paige’s first available appointment was November 18th.  But then Laura worked it so that my procedure will take place at the Federal Way branch of Virginia Mason, just south of Seattle, where Dr. Paige spends a couple days a week.  Thank the heavens, since Dr. Paige explained to me that he wants to wait a couple months after my nipple reconstruction before he tattoos on my areolas.  With my nipples being “installed” tomorrow, if I don’t experience any complications with this procedure, I may be done with this whole process before the holidays!  I sure hope nothing goes wrong.  As you all know, I’m very ready for my reconstruction to be complete.

I’m told the procedure itself takes an hour total for both nipples.  I’m not under general anesthesia during this process – Dr. Paige will use a local anesthetic only (lidocaine or a lidocaine derivative).  That means I’ll be able to watch what Dr. Paige does if I’m so inclined to look down and pay attention.  I’m not sure I’m going to do that, as I can barely make eye contact with a phlebotomist while she/he is sticking me with a needle to take blood.

After the procedure, I’m told I’ll be in “recovery” for a bit before I’m released for the day.  Patients are advised to take the rest of the day off, but many go back to work, which is exactly what I intend to do unless something goes screwy and I’m physically unable to type on a keyboard.  Unfortunately, I’ve gained a bit of a flippant attitude about surgery and treatment.  I’ve had so many surgeries that I can’t count them on one hand anymore, and I worked all throughout chemo, so in my mind, why not go back to work after my nipple reconstruction?  I have a ton of work to get done this week, and I don’t expect this procedure will set me back too much.  However, now that I’ve gotten cocky and typed that out, I just know I will have a Murphy’s Law day tomorrow and something will go wrong . . . but let’s hope not.

I will have to wear little plastic domes over my reconstructed nipples for a couple weeks to prevent any direct pressure on the freshly created nubs.  I can shower, but I’m supposed to refrain from baths, hot tubs, saunas, and the like.  After a few weeks, I’ll go back in to see Dr. Paige for a post-op follow up and have my stitches taken out, which I suspect will be a very weird experience too.

Given my many days of bliss in the Bay Area, I’ve chosen a remix of a very special song for today’s soundtrack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UW1QGrRmRQ4&feature=fvw.

I met with Dr. Paige today to schedule my nipple and areola reconstruction.  September 18th marked the 4-month anniversary of my implants being put in, so I am officially ready to start nipple reconstruction.  After examining me, Dr. Paige noted that my breasts have settled nicely.  I complained a bit about how the scar on my left breast is much worse than my right breast, and Dr. Paige reminded me that the process rarely results in perfectly symmetric breasts and that real breasts are also never symmetric.  I lost perspective for a moment in Dr. Paige’s office.  I have to be grateful for what I have — a year ago this time Karla was still lurking in my right breast tissue.  Now I have some pretty amazing cancer-free boobies and will soon have nipples and areolas to match.  I really can’t complain.

It’s weird to get back on the reconstruction path after 4 months of no doctors appointments, surgeries, or other procedures.  It’s been so long since I’ve been at Virginia Mason that I totally forgot to check in on the main floor before going up to the office (a routine I did for many months during treatment and the first part of my reconstruction).  As I mentioned in my last post, it’s really scary how easy it has been for me to return to my normal routine.

Dr. Paige tells me that after he makes the incisions to pull up the skin into nipples, it will be two weeks before the stitches come out.  I’ll have to wear cup-like things over the nipple areas to protect the new incisions.  Dr. Paige warned that he doesn’t have a ton of skin to work with, so my reconstructed nipples will likely look more like small nubs than super-erect pencil erasers.  He also warned that sometimes the incisions don’t heal right and the nipple may need to be redone.  I told Dr. Paige that I’m okay with whatever he is able to do.  I just want the process to start as soon as possible.  I’m presently scheduled to have my nipples done on November 18th, but Dr. Paige’s scheduler is trying to get me in sooner.  I really do hope she is successful.  Like I said, I just want this process done as soon as possible.

When I first met with Dr. Paige months before my mastectomies, he told me the breast reconstruction process would take about a year to a year-and-a-half.  He wasn’t kidding.  After the nipple procedure is done, he wants to wait a couple months before tattooing on the areolas to make sure I’m fully healed and to allow him time to see how the nipples settle on my reconstructed breasts.  That means if I am able to start the nipple procedure soon, the earliest I’ll be done with the whole process will be right before the holidays.  I really don’t want to wait that long, but I realize that I’ve been patient this whole time and a couple more months is not going to kill me.  I just feel like I’ve been in this constant state of limbo since starting treatment to deal with Karla and then starting the reconstruction process.  Although I’ve easily transitioned into a semi-normal routine, I really haven’t been able to move on with my life completely and do all the things I’d like to do because I’ve been waiting for this process to conclude.  I see the finish line.  It’s so fracking close, I can taste it.

Today’s soundtrack comes from an artist I love and who is playing Neumos in Seattle tomorrow night.  I think the lyrics are pretty fitting for me right now:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niKT-kJfUz4.

I know I’m almost back to “normal” when life is too busy to blog.  Please forgive the long hiatus AGAIN.  After my friends’ wedding in the woods, work ramped up significantly, and then I left for a week-and-a-half long vacation.  I got back a couple weeks ago, but it’s taking me a while to get back to a normal routine.

I am having a huge revelation right now — my life prior to Karla was so fast-paced that I didn’t have much time to sit back and reflect on anything.  As soon as I was done with one project I was already late on the next one, so I had a hard time enjoying life in the moment, and I never had the luxury of time to take stock of the path that I was on to insure it was the right one for me.  I feel myself slipping back into that pattern, and my absence from my blog is a testament to that troubling observation. 

I cannot describe in words how useful and important this blog has been to me — to be able to really process what is going on with me and around me and to be able to share my experiences with an audience, some of whom are going through the same crap I am.  The feedback I have received has been priceless and has really helped me along on this path.  My blog forces me to stop, look around, listen, ask questions, put my thoughts on paper, and evaluate as I live my life.  I haven’t done that in a while, and it feels good to be back.

What’s funny is that not too much has been going on in my world recently.  As an example, my therapist asked me today whether I wanted to continue treating with her, now that I’m no longer in “crisis mode” with Karla and I appear to be settling into my post-cancer life quite well.  Her question totally caught me off guard.  I can’t imagine not meeting with her regularly, but she’s right — now that Karla is not the focus of my life, what is?  I still have my nipple reconstruction to complete, my ovaries to consider taking out, and my endometriosis and fibroids to deal with; but I’m not nearly as stressed about my health or body image as much as I was when I started treating.  I’m actually pretty excited to see what topics I end up discussing with my therapist in the next few months as the dust settles from my final breast reconstruction procedures.

So about my nipple reconstruction, tomorrow marks four months after my tissue expanders were exchanged for my implants.  According to my last conversation with Dr. Paige, I should be able to start the nipple reconstruction procedure anytime after tomorrow, assuming my implants have settled adequately and no additional tweaking needs to occur.  I plan to call Dr. Paige tomorrow to get the full skinny from him on the schedule.  As you all know, I can’t wait for this process to be done.

Dirty Dancing was the first movie I saw in the theater without a chaperone, and that movie left me gaga for Mr. Swayze.  So as an homage to my first leading man crush, I leave you with this for today’s soundtrack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfg97-5uhFQ&feature=related.

I mentioned when my tissue expanders were switched out for the actual implants in May that I was having issues getting used to the sensation of the implants moving around in my chest wall.  Unlike the tissue expanders, which didn’t move at all, my silicone implants move like real breasts, which means that when I’m laying on my back, they fall towards my armpits.  It’s been several months since my implants were put in, and I’m still having moments where I worry if the sensation I’m feeling in my chest is normal.

I had a massage the other day and worried every time the therapist pushed down on my upper and mid back while I was lying on my chest.  I know it sounds stupid, but I kept having these visions of my implants exploding after the massage therapist applied strong pressure.  As you can imagine, it made it hard to enjoy the massage in those moments.

The other day I woke up after sleeping on my left side and felt a bit of a pinching/tingling sensation in my left breast when I sat up on my bed.  I was afraid something was wrong and grabbed my phone to call Dr. Paige, but then the sensation quickly went away after I started moving around.  I suspect it was just a circulation issue, but it still freaked me out. 

Another weird occurrence that I’ve mentioned earlier and that I am convinced is a problem is my cleavage sweat.  I’m sorry to be gross, but it really has become an issue that I’m fixated on.  I feel like I sweat way more than any normal person should sweat in the cleavage area.  During the week when Seattle experienced 100+ degree weather, sweat was just running down my cleavage.  And the other day that I walked to a law office not too far from my condo for a deposition, I noticed that I had enough sweat accumulate in my cleavage area that it stained my shirt.  My girlfriends with large boobs tell me that this is normal and it’s something I need to get used to, but it’s stating to irk the shit out of me.  It’s so bad that I’m contemplating trying acupuncture to address the sweating.

The next time I meet with Dr. Paige I’ll be able to ask him about all of these weird sensations in my chest wall and sweating issues and hopefully he’ll put my fears to rest.  I’m pretty sure I just have to get used to the feeling of implants in my chest with much less skin and tissue than I had before.  It’s only been a few months.  I really need to allow myself more time to settle into and feel comfortable in my “new” skin.  That said, I can’t wait for the day when my “new” skin becomes just my skin, and I don’t think about the fact that I have implants in my chest.    But for now, I need to control my “exploding implant” fears and perhaps stash a handkerchief in my cleavage to control the sweat issue.

Being in a nostalgic mood lately, I’ve been listening to some of my CDs from college.  I found one that my freshman roommate bought me for Christmas that year — Harry Connick, Jr.’s Blue Light, Red Light.  Every song on this CD is amazing, but I leave you with this as today’s soundtrack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCtaEGWA93U.

I am SO sorry for being MIA for so long.  I’ve been out of town the last two weekends, and I worked my ass off the two weeks before then to get ahead on my hours for the month.  I finally have a moment to breathe and not feel like a headless chicken.

Two weekends ago, I went out to Lake Kachess for this year’s Floating Woman camping trip.  A bunch of my friends from San Francisco came up that weekend, making this trip extra special.  With the exception of a crazy thunderstorm midday on Saturday, the weather couldn’t have been more accommodating.  Highs were in the 90s and the lake temperature was just cool enough to be pleasant to swim in all day. 

In the many years the Benedetti family has organized Floating Woman, I have never entered the boat race.  But this year, Winda Benedetti asked me if I would paddle a large, ridiculous inflatable island with her as our boat submission, and I agreed.  However, Winda ended up ditching me right before the race to paddle a humungo inflatable “rubber” duckie instead.  Yes, you read that right.  Just ridiculous.  So I recruited two of my other girlfriends to assist me with the large inflatable island.  Claudia paddled opposite of me on the island and Jessica served as our “motor” by pushing the island from behind with fins.  Long story short, Claudia, Jessica, and I smoked the competition during the race.  It was hilarious paddling that huge inflatable island.   It was so big that we accidentally ran over a dog swimming in the water with all the other boats.

Floating Woman is a temporal marker for me.  This time last year I watched a bunch of my close friends shave their heads to support me while I was going through chemo.  It’s crazy to think how different things were a year ago.   While catching up with old friends and family, I realized that Lake Kachess has a healing effect on me.  My physical health may be much better now than it was last year, but being at Lake Kachess this year really rejuvenated my mind and spirit.  It’s nice to be reminded of the meaning of ”whole” health.

The other revelation I came to that weekend was how self-conscious I am about my scars.  Realizing that all of my swimsuits had “triangle” tops that exposed a lot of my mastectomy scars, I bought a new swimsuit for Floating Woman that had a bandeau top that covered all of my scars.  Those of you who know me well know that I have no problems showing my scars to anyone interested, so to be self-conscious regarding what my swimsuit top revealed was very weird experience.

The following weekend my friends Erin and Azur were married at a beautiful location in Leavenworth, WA.  I was one of Erin’s bridesmaids, so I went up early to help with setup.   Seattle experienced record-breaking temperatures the week leading up to the wedding and the wedding weekend itself.  It was a 105 degrees in Seattle the day I left for Leavenworth.  Usually Leavenworth is much hotter than Seattle, but I was very pleasantly surprised to find out that the cabins where we were staying were air conditioned.  Boy did we luck out.

The wedding festivities and the wedding itself were absolutely fun and amazing.  I felt blessed to be a part of the wedding and to be able to celebrate two fantastic and beautiful people.  Watching Erin and Azur get married, I looked over at all the other bridesmaids, all of whom are married, and I realized what amazing partnerships they have too.  Weddings highlight unions, and as the the only single bridesmaid, I had a few moments longing for a partner in crime.  I feel like I’ve been “on hold” this whole time, unable to really dive into the dating scene again because I’m waiting for my body to look “normal” again.  I am soooooo ready for the next step in this process and being closer to being whole again.  For the first time since my reconstruction began, I am feeling impatient and frustrated.  Not because I don’t have a boyfriend, but because I hate this state of being in limbo with my body.  I am very ready to move on with my life, but can’t do that until my reconstruction is done.

The countdown continues.  Last I spoke with Dr. Paige, we can start nipple reconstruction in September.  I may just call his office on Monday to see if we can schedule the first of the procedures now.

On that note, I leave you with this for today’s soundtrack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZkllM8znx4.

I went to a Bikram (or hot) yoga class yesterday for the first time.  Some of my yogi friends are probably cringing while reading that for reasons I’ll explain in a later post.  I’ve recently taken up yoga and I would really like to incorporate it into my regular workout routine.  I think it’s great for strength and flexibility and there’s nothing quite like it.  While sweating my ass off (quite literally) during yesterday’s Bikram yoga class, I was pleased to find that I can now do push-ups and upper body strength exercises more easily than i was able to even just a week ago.  I’m also more comfortable in positions that require me to lay on my chest.  But yesterday’s yoga class included some challenging upper body work that also made me realize that I am still getting used to the sensation of working my upper body.  When my pectoral muscles contract, I am much more aware of the implants and at times it feels like there’s something foreign in my chest.  Clearly there is something foreign in my chest, but to be really aware of that fact is a very specific sensation.

I also notice this “foreign object” sensation when I lay down on my side.  Not only does it feel weird for the silicone gel to shift within my chest wall, but if I grab the boob of the side on which I’m laying, I can actually feel the bag of the implant.  These moments are good reminders that although my breasts look great most of the time, they are implants and my body has had to do a lot of accommodating for the reconstruction process.

Which is another thing I should mention — again, although my boobs look great, I am noticing that my left boob is settling a bit more than my right boob.  I don’t know if my right boob will settle faster at some point and this asymmetry will “correct” itself, but if it doesn’t, I will need to deal with slightly asymmetric boobs.  But most real boobs aren’t fully symmetrical (a fact I once confirmed with Dr. Paige), so perhaps my reconstruction is right on the money.  I do hope that my remaining time to “hang” with the implants before nipple reconstruction begins will lead to more symmetry rather than less. 

Here’s today’s soundtrack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2XzoA94Zws.  I have employed many techniques to battle the awful insomnia issues I dealt with last month: getting back on the workout train, working with my therapist to work though all my issues with Eric’s suicide, and stopping work at least a 1/2 hour before trying to get to bed to allow myself some downtime.  But what I really think has helped me relax and disengage my mind from my world before hitting the pillow is watching the public ARTS channel, which in the late evening airs nonstop snippets of all kinds of arts – choral performances, orchestral performances, dance, plays, and documentaries.  I have a soft spot for the work of certain composers.  Whenever I hear Debussy, it relaxes my soul.

It’s been six weeks since my last surgery.  I have been cleared to return to “normal” activity.  Whoo hoo!  So I kicked off this week by going to Pilates today with Erin, my good friend and pilates instructor (who owns Maya Whole Health Studio in Fremont for those of you who live in Seattle), for the first time since my surgery.  And what a workout!  Given that I haven’t been to Pilates in a while, I was definitely feeling the burn.  One of the things I noticed as we did exercises and movement that increased our heartrates today was my cleavage sweat.  I know, it’s a weird thing to talk about, but for someone who has had small boobs her entire life, having to deal with cleavage sweat is an unusual experience.  So here’s the deal, with small boobs, I would sweat in the cleavage area, but my boobs were so small that my shirt would quickly wick up any moisture.  However, now that my boobs are twice the size they were before my mastectomies, there’s a lot more space between my shirt and my cleavage sweat. 

So here I am, in Erin’s amazing Pilates mat class, being reminded of why my arms have become so flabby in the last six weeks, when Erin has us lay on our backs for the next series of movements.  As I move to lay on my back, I feel a large amount of sweat start start to rush down my chest toward my face.  I quickly push my shirt down below my throat to catch the sweat.  I know, gross, right?  But totally weird.  I keep forgetting that my body is not the same, and moments like these are nice reminders.

The other thing I was reminded of today is that I can’t really feel my boobs near the incisions.  This lack of sensation makes it difficult for me to gauge if something is wrong with my chest when I’m laying on it.  I have been very protective of my chest area since my last surgery because I’m still getting used to the implants, and today’s Pilates mat class reminded me that laying on my chest is something I will need to get used to.  When I had my original boobs, it was very easy to determine if I was laying on my chest the wrong way.  Now, I need to be all the more aware of my body and what I’m doing because I can’t rely on feeling and sensation to let me know if something’s wrong.

And when I’m lying on my back, yet another weird sensation that I need to get used to — my boobs settling toward my armpits.  Again, as a small-chested woman, my boobs basically stayed in place no matter what position I was in.  But now my boobs are big enough that gravity has a whole new interaction with my body.  At first I thought something was wrong, but after discussing this issue with my large-breasted girlfriends, they all responded similarly — “Welcome to my world.”

And since I’m oversharing, I will share this also — I’m totally PMSing.  Before my diagnosis, I would experience a bit of PMS – eating a smidge more than usual, getting a few pimples here and there, and retaining water.  But now the symptoms hit me in a unique way and I know exactly when I’m going to start my period.  I ”break out”  like an acne-ridden teenager right around my upper lip area, and I’m ravenous to the point where I could eat a whole large pepperoni pan pizza from Pizza Hut myself.  When these things happen, I know I’m few days before I’m about to get a visit from Aunt Flo.  Like clockwork.   Weird, huh?   Obviously, there are a lot of things about my new body that I will continue to get used to.

I’m working on a soundtrack project for my friends (I’ve asked each of them to send me the song that would introduce their entrance into any room), and after months of seeing other people’s submissions, I finally figured out mine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-wYmq2Vz5yM.  Reasons for this selection?  The opening is strong; the beat grooves my soul; and the lyrics are short, simple, and to the point.  Enjoy.